Living in the Gutter

In a comic book, the Gutter is that white line in between the panels. It’s necessary, but not always appreciated.

I find it completely ironic that at this moment I am relating a comic book analogy – if you know me, and my situation you’d probably get the irony.

I have avoided writing for a while. I have held back. I have quietened my cyber voice because I felt that now was not a time for me to write, because me writing could have detrimental effects on my future.

But enough of the silence.

I’m not going to get into the semantics, but right now I’m in the Gutter. That outward line that delineates the panels of my life. This is both a wonderful place and an anxious place to be.

It is wonderful because of its liminality. It is unconventional and allows me an excessive amount of freedom. Of course, that freedom comes with a cost and I struggle sometimes to pay that cost – or deal with the subsequent opportunity cost. It is anxiety inducing because I feel so much social pressure, and while my personality is not one to respond to judgment it’s strange that I feel like I should.

I have had to negotiate who I am in the last 12 months of my life. I have had to ask myself some hard questions and make some tough decisions. And no, I haven’t done it for the greater good. I haven’t scarified anything for anyone. As much as I love my offspring, none of my decisions have been made solely for their benefit. They have been considered, more so than any other option, but they have not been the onus upon which my decisions have rested. I have made choices as a person. As a human being. One with autonomy and agency. And man, that feels so damn good.

The Gutter is a dark place. But being in this dark place let’s you navigate through the ‘created-ness’ of this space. Because let’s face it, comics are pretty melodramatic – just like Life. And within this framework you are able to examine the drama and the beauty of it all, without being in the thick of it. This. Is. Amazing.

I am hyper aware of the constructions of society. I am aware that I only need to turn on the radio for any song to play, and be reminded of how wonderful Love is; how fundamental relationships are and how having a ‘person’ is essential to your life. While I acknowledge these constructs I am also reminded of why they exist. I am reminded of the years of history that have brought them into being. I am nudged towards that by my genetic encoding as a female, but I reject it. Yes, I am definitely jaded but this eschewing of the ice cube mould is so liberating and empowering. This is also anxiety inducing – and I’m sure you can understand why, if you allow yourself to.

I like the Gutter. I’m willing to weigh the pros and the cons of Gutter versus Panel-life, and make an educated decision.

No. That’s bullshit. I’m probably going to stay here.